60 questions to ask your parents before they die, and how to ask them gently

Their stories (questions 1 to 10)

1. What is your earliest memory?
2. Walk me through the house you grew up in, room by room.
3. What were you like at sixteen?
4. What was your first job, and what did you buy with the money?
5. How did you two meet? What did you think of each other at first?
6. What was the happiest year of your life?
7. What was the hardest thing you ever got through, and how?
8. What are you proudest of?
9. What is a story about you that I have probably never heard?
10. Is there a day you would live again if you could?

The family (questions 11 to 20)

11. What were your parents like? What did they teach you?
12. What do you know about your grandparents?
13. Where did our family come from, and why did they move?
14. Which relative had the best stories? Tell me one.
15. Who is in the old photos that nobody else can name?
16. Which family recipes should be written down, and how do you make them?
17. Are there traditions you want us to keep?
18. Is there a family story you have never told, that you would like us to know?
19. Is there anyone you lost touch with that you want us to find or tell?
20. Is there anything about our family's health history we should know?

You and them (questions 21 to 30)

21. How did you feel when you found out you were having me?
22. What do you remember about the day I was born?
23. How did you choose my name?
24. What was I like as a child?
25. What is a memory of me you think about more than I would guess?
26. What worried you most about me, and do you still worry about it?
27. Is there anything you wish you had done differently as a parent?
28. Is there anything you want to say to me that you have never said?
29. Is there anything you want to ask me?
30. What do you hope I remember about you?

What life taught them (questions 31 to 40)

31. What is the best advice anyone ever gave you?
32. What do you wish you had known at my age?
33. What did you change your mind about as you got older?
34. What do you regret, and what do you not regret at all?
35. What did you learn about money that you want us to know?
36. What makes a marriage or a friendship last, in your experience?
37. What do you believe about faith, or about what comes after?
38. What made you happiest, in the end?
39. What do you want your grandchildren to know about you?
40. If you could tell the whole family one thing, what would it be?

Their wishes (questions 41 to 50)

41. What matters most to you about how the end of your life goes?
42. Where would you want to be, at home or somewhere else, if you could choose?
43. Who do you want with you?
44. Who should make medical decisions for you if you cannot? Have you written that down?
45. Is there any treatment you would want, or would not want?
46. Have you talked about any of this with your doctor?
47. What kind of funeral or memorial would you want, if any?
48. Is there music, a reading or a place that should be part of it?
49. Are there things you own that you want to go to particular people?
50. Is there anything you still want to do, see or settle?

Where things are (questions 51 to 60)

51. Do you have a will, and where is it?
52. Who is your lawyer, and who helps with your money or taxes?
53. Where do you keep important papers, like deeds, titles and insurance policies?
54. Which banks and accounts do you have, and how would we find the details?
55. Which bills are paid automatically?
56. Who are your doctors, and where is the list of your medicines?
57. Who should we call first, and whose numbers are not in your phone?
58. Where are the keys, and is there a safe or a safe deposit box?
59. What should happen to your pets?
60. Where are the photos, letters and recordings you want kept?

How to ask, and how to record it

Start with stories. Questions 1 to 40 are easy to say yes to, and most parents enjoy them. Pick one theme per sitting and eight to twelve questions. Bring a photo or a recipe card: "tell me about this" reaches memories that questions miss.

Give a reason for the hard questions. When you get to wishes and paperwork, make it about you: "I want to get this right for you, and I would rather ask than guess." Say they can skip anything. If they are not ready, stop, and ask again another day.

Ask for a moment, not a summary. The story usually comes in the second answer. Keep these follow-ups ready:

• "Can you tell me about one particular day?"
• "Where were you? Who else was there?"
• "What did they say, as close as you remember?"
• "How did you feel then, and how do you feel about it now?"

Write the practical answers down, and check them. Wishes about medical care, a will and who decides for them usually need to be on paper to count. If something is not written down yet, their doctor or a lawyer can tell them how to do it where they live. This guide is not legal or medical advice.

Record the stories. Ask before you press record. Put your phone on something soft, a hand's width or two from them, in a quiet room with the television off. Say the date at the start, and back up the file the same day in two places. If they live far away, a phone or video call works too: the iPhone recording guide covers all three, and the recording setup guide covers rooms and backups.

If time is short, skip the lists. Ask "Is there anything you want to tell me?" and "What do you want us to remember?" and let them lead.

To get the recordings on paper, the transcription options guide compares software and human transcription, and the transcript to chapter guide shows how spoken stories become readable prose. For longer lists on one parent, see 70 questions to ask your mom, 70 questions to ask your dad and 80 questions to ask your parents.