How to write a eulogy: gather the stories, find the thread, and say it well
Writing a eulogy is hard because you are grieving and the words feel too important to get wrong. It helps to know that you do not need to sum up a whole life. You need a few true stories that show who they were, told in your own voice. Here is how to gather them, a simple structure and template, three short examples, and how to get through saying it.
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1. Gather the stories
Before you write anything, collect memories. Write down your own, as many as come, one line each. Then ask two or three people who knew them well, in a short call or over coffee. People who are grieving often find it comforting to be asked. Questions that work:
- What is a story about them that you tell other people?
- What would they say in a situation like this?
- What did they do that nobody else did?
- When did you see them at their best?
- What did they care about most?
- What will you miss in an ordinary week?
- What phrase or habit was completely them?
- What did they teach you, even without meaning to?
If you can, record those conversations with permission, so you do not have to take notes while someone is sharing a memory. You will also have their words to quote exactly. The iPhone recording guide covers in-person and phone calls.
2. Find the thread
Read through everything you gathered and look for what keeps coming up. Maybe everyone tells a story about their generosity, or their stubbornness, or the way they made strangers feel at home. That common thread is what your eulogy is about. Pick three or four stories that show it best, and let the rest go. You are not writing a biography.
3. A simple structure
| Part | What it does |
|---|---|
| Opening | Who you are and how you knew them, in a sentence or two |
| Who they were | The thread, said plainly: "Dad was the person who showed up." |
| Two or three stories | Specific moments that show the thread, with a place, a time and what they said or did |
| What they meant | What they gave the people in the room, and what you will carry forward |
| Goodbye | A last line spoken to them, or a line they would have said |
Scribe Media's guidance. Some families include a short reading, a poem or a prayer as well; ask what the service already has planned.
Ask the family or whoever is leading the service how long you have, and write to fit. It is better to finish a little early than to run long.
4. A template
My name is [name], and I was [relationship] to [name].
If you knew [name], you know that [the thread, in one sentence].
[Story one: a specific moment that shows it.]
[Story two: another moment, ideally from someone else's memories.]
[Story three, if you have time.]
What [name] gave all of us was [what they meant]. I will [what you will carry forward].
[A last line to them, or one they would have said.]
5. Three short examples
We wrote these to show how a thread and one story work together. None is about a real person. There are ten more, one for each relationship, in eulogy examples.
For a father: "Dad was the person who showed up. When my car broke down two hundred miles from home at eleven at night, I called him to ask what to do. He said, 'Stay put.' Four hours later his headlights pulled in behind me. He had brought a thermos of coffee and two sandwiches, and he never once mentioned the drive."
For a grandmother: "Grandma believed there was always room for one more. One more at the table, one more in the car, one more cousin on the pull-out couch. I don't think I ever heard her say a house was full. When I think of her, I think of her kitchen door, and how it was never locked."
For a friend: "Sam laughed louder than anyone I have ever met, usually at himself. The day he got lost on a hike he had led eleven times, he sat down on a rock, laughed until he cried, and then got us all home by dark. That was Sam: never too proud to be wrong, and never too worried to make it right."
6. Saying it out loud
- Print it in large type, with space between paragraphs, so you can find your place.
- Read it aloud at home two or three times. You will find the sentences that are hard to say, and the parts that make you cry, before you are in front of everyone.
- Mark where to breathe. A slash between sentences is a reminder to slow down.
- It is fine to pause. If you need a moment, take it. Nobody in the room will mind.
- Have a backup. Give a copy to someone who could read it for you if you cannot finish.
Afterward, keep what you wrote and any recordings you made of family stories. Many families want them later. If you want to collect more, how to make a family history book walks through turning stories into something lasting.
Start here: write down ten memories, one line each, then call one person who knew them and ask, "What is a story about them that you tell other people?"
Common questions
How do I start writing a eulogy?
Start by gathering stories, not sentences. Write down every memory you have, then ask two or three people who knew them well for theirs. Look for what the stories have in common: that common thread is what your eulogy is about.
How long should a eulogy be?
Ask the family or whoever is leading the service how much time you have, and write to fit it. Most eulogies are a page or two when written out. It is better to finish a little early than to run long.
What should I include in a eulogy?
Who they were in a sentence or two, a few specific stories that show it, what they meant to the people in the room, and a closing goodbye. Dates and achievements can be part of it, but the stories are what people remember.
Is it OK to use humor in a eulogy?
Yes, if it fits the person and the family. A funny story told with love often helps a grieving room. Avoid jokes at anyone's expense, and check with the family if you are unsure.
What is the difference between a eulogy and an obituary?
A eulogy is a speech given at a funeral or memorial, in your own voice and usually personal. An obituary is a written notice, usually published, that announces the death and gives the basic facts of the person's life and the service details.
Sources: steps, structure, template and examples written by Scribe Media for this guide; the examples are invented. Published by Scribe Media.