What to say at a funeral: words for the family, short remarks if you are asked to speak, and what to avoid

What to say to the family

Keep it short. The family may greet dozens of people, and a brief, sincere word means more than a long conversation. Some things that work:

• "I'm so sorry about [name]."
• "[Name] was such a kind person. I'm so sorry."
• "I'll always remember [one short memory]."
• "I worked with [name] for years. They made every day better."
• "I didn't know [name] well, but I know how much they meant to you."
• "I don't know what to say. I just wanted to be here for you."
• "Thinking of you. I'll call next week."
• "[Name] talked about you all the time. They were so proud of you."

Use the person's name. Families often say hearing it is a comfort. And if you promise to call or bring food, do it.

If you are asked to say a few words

Being asked to speak is an honor, even if it does not feel like one in the moment. You do not need to cover a whole life. Pick one true thing about the person and one story that shows it.

1. Ask how long you have, and whether others are speaking, so you do not repeat each other.
2. Pick your one thing: the trait people will recognize, like their generosity, humor or stubbornness.
3. Choose one story that shows it, with a place, a moment and something they said or did.
4. Write it down and read it aloud at home a few times.
5. End with a goodbye spoken to them, or a line they used to say.

If you are giving the main eulogy, how to write a eulogy walks through gathering stories from the family, and these eulogy examples show the shape for different relationships.

A short template

Time yourself reading it aloud at a calm pace, and trim the story if it runs long. Print it in large type, and give a copy to someone who could finish it for you if you need them to.

What to avoid

• Explaining the loss: "Everything happens for a reason" or "It was their time."
• Comparing: "I know exactly how you feel; when my father died..."
• Telling people how to feel: "Be strong" or "At least they're not suffering."
• Asking about the cause of death, or any details the family has not shared.
• Long conversations in the receiving line. Keep it brief and offer to talk later.
• In a speech, inside jokes no one else will understand, or stories that would embarrass the family.

After the funeral

The days after are often harder than the day itself, and most people go quiet. A card a few weeks later, a meal dropped off or a phone call on a hard date means a great deal. What to write in a sympathy card has 60 messages. If you have a story about the person, write it down and send it to the family; many families collect these, and they become the most treasured thing they have.